Yesterday I went to the naked spa again, which brings up so much emotion around being seen, how I have not seen myself and ancestral and societal conditioning around our beautiful shapes and forms. How I have hidden my own beauty from men (having sex in the dark). Hiding from my own child, covering up instead of letting him see his mamas body. And mostly from myself, not really enjoying her.
And it disgusts me to have done this to myself! And this is part of where the shame thickens, I betrayed myself. Because I know the truth, I am exquisite just like every other body roaming this earth. It enrages me that we live in a world that women are taught to loathe their bodies with the implied message of (YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH) .
Normally at the spa, I have to take a deep breath and literally will myself to take off my clothes. This time, not so much! . What I experienced yesterday amidst the 100s of naked female bodies, was the deep presence of my Mother body. When you see my naked marked up body – you know, I am the Mother.
As I rose out of the water, breasts sagging with huge areola thanks to pregnancy, belly chubs doing its thing, was this sense of loving awareness. I am marked as the Holy instrument of the Mother. I didn’t see any women with stretch marks yesterday it was though mine were the highlight of the room. And I felt strength in this! Like these primal scars were a badge of holiness. I was proud of my body. I was proud to be Cody’s Mother and to own this power as a sacred gift. I broadcasted my soft Mother essence by embracing the gift imprinted on my body. This feeling brought me to tears took my breathe away.
Deep down I am still healing from the societal shame which I swallowed being a teenage Mother. I was cast out by family and some community because I chose a different path. Their ignorance wasn’t fully rooted in malice but fear because I chose a path less trotted.
Unkind Words spoken attribute to my concept of Mother – body image and it still burns in my belly – “Your Father must be rolling over in his grave over this”. “What will the neighbors think” – What kind of Mother will you be – What kind of life will you be able to give to this child? Uneducated – Incapable – Alone – No Money -Selfish – You can’t take care of yourself, how will you care for a child. #Trash #BadMother #Notenough #Faliure CANCEL!
But fuck that . I knew this was HER calling for me and so I armored up, while giving myself to the Mother with hope of being a different kind of Mother. And I was definitely a different kind of Mother.
Being a Mother in this society has been so challenging for our female species. The guilt, never being good enough, never getting it right, being responsible seemingly for every outcome, sucks the very life out of our experience. (Thank God we are shifting this collectively) This is the Great Work!
Walking the path of the Mother has been incredibly painful for me and yet it is my gift to this world. As I deepen my healing, I have moments that I am euphoric with love and other moments where I am filled with rage. Jesus this vessel holds so much! I bow to the ancestors, our Mother’s that raised children through the 5,000 years of patriarchy. And I grieve for the Mother in me, but I choose to no longer feel sorry for her.
I use my strength to deepen my sense of purpose to support women in embodying the Mother, feeling supported, trusting their wisdom and finding ways to nourish themselves. Accessing all the things I didn’t have or didn’t know I had. While unapologetically raising our children however the fuck we choose too. Preparing them and liberating them from the shackles of patriarchy and raising them in a whole new yummy and hopefully conscious way that is filled with more joy.
Mothers endure! Their physical bodies are banged up, stretched out beyond recognition – there are sacrifices that are made to create life! Its a holy mess! Nothing goes how we want it too. This is the nature of life on earth! The more support we have the easier it is…
We are warriors, lovers, and portals of creation…I Bow again and again and vow to fully awaken and meet the gifts bestowed. In 25 years so much has changed in the realm of mothering and all things birthing. We are making progress even though I wish it would come faster. But it is happening! I birthed more gently than my Mother and with each generation new consciousness is born and things change. We are the ones we have been waiting for. This body image reflection morphed into a deeper message, one I carry in my bones. #Freedom
#Selflove #Messymothering #Goddesslives #MarkedCreator #Holyvessel #HOLYHIGHPRIESTESS.