Reverence for our Ancestors – My Grandmother’s Story

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After coming home from seeing the movie Suffragettes this evening with my Mother, I was filled with emotion. Women, Powerful Women, thank you for paving our paths!!  I bow to you and to the men that supported you in your Sacred work. Your mission was enormous and because of your courage and light we continue in our unique individual ways. Each lineage with their own stories, themes to peal and heal for the collective whole. Acknowledging how far we have come and what life was like for our ancestors. It was not long ago that women had no rights to vote, and that in many places still have no rights. As we know it is an endless topic as we continue to strive as humans to embrace our humanity and release ourselves fully from bondage of the collective slavery. And to shed light on the courage it takes to follow the souls path.  Just by being true to Who You Are, You are a vehicle of great change!

I began to reflect on my own family.  

I share a story of my Grandmother – A story of Courage

My Maternal Grandmother, Ada Matilda was born on May 22nd, 1917 here in the Bronx, NY. At the age of 5 her Mother died of Spanish influenza and her father not far after her. She had 2 siblings that also passed from this pandemic, a brother and a sister. Her family was gone and so by the age of 6 years old she was taken in by the catholic church. She lived in many catholic orphanages throughout Westchester and the Bronx. My Grandmother was an excellent worker so she was kept hidden when potential adoptive parents visited the orphanage. This way she could continue to be enslaved. Before she died in December of 2009, she told me stories of how she was beaten with metal trays. 

She shared a story about the time she was beaten terribly and she ran out with no shoes. She had to walk a very long way and she was in pain. There were a small group of nuns that came to her aid.  They took her in and rubbed her sore feet. She would visit them periodically after school and they would give her comfort and love.  

She lived in orphanages until she was 18 years old. She was in the process of taking vows and was well in the stages of becoming a nun. She broke her back suddenly and they decided she was to be dismissed. I guess she wouldn’t be of any further use to them. Those floors needed cleaning!  She left the convent and moved in with her Aunt.  She lived there until she met my Grandfather, and they were married.  They had 2 children.  

My Grandmother was very loving and kind to me.  When I was a little girl she taught me how to sew on her big clunky machine.  Together we created beautiful Christmas decorations.  We also had so much fun making Italian cookies, Yummy Pizzelle!!  She was an incredible seamstress and made my Mother elaborate Goddess Gowns. She loved the Yankees and it gave her great pleasure to sit in her chair and watch the game.  She made incredible meatballs until her arthritis took away her strength.  Her hands created so much beauty.  

She embraced me as a teenage Mother even though my ways were foreign for her.  She loved her Grandson dearly! While my Father’s side hid me like a shameful secret.  She never tried to turn me on the church but inserted small pieces of information to remind me in some way.  She told me Mary had other children. I read between the lines, All is not what it seems!  That was the message. I was listening Nanny, I know!!    

 She was in and out of the hospital for most of her life.  I wish I knew more of her stories and more about who she was as a women.  How she felt about her husband, sexuality and what made her heart sing.  What it felt like for her to make love for the first time and to hear her birth stories.  Now I carry her through my own body and all of those mystical women and men who were part of our story.  I chose wisely by incarnating into this specific line.  I look forward to deepening the knowledge which has been passed through my womb.  And unveiling the many gifts bestowed to me.  Thank you Nanny!  

I think of all of our ancestors and their incredible stories. They lived hard lives and were so brave.   I don’t really know much about my lineage as the trail has somehow been lost.  I tap in and get information but I have few stories with me. I just feel the sadness in my body right along the power and wisdom.   Women in these Magdalene laundries.. Women in chains.. A constant fight to stay alive with any dignity. I continue to be perplexed that I was raised catholic after the series of events that took place in the name of the church. How the poison still found its way through. My Grandmother chose not to attend church and yet my family continued the traditions. 

So I wanted to honor her and thank her for her strength and for the gifts she has handed down to me. I want to promise her that I will forgive the church and the hands that violated her. That I will be strong and continue my work in this world. That I will be the freedom and joy that she was not able to Be.

Thank you Nanny! I love you

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Plakias.. Desire emerges again

My longing grows, it reminds me of the ache in my heart.  I want to be touched, sung too and opened like an expensive bottle of aged whiskey.  My body merges with his and in anticipation I weep.  The rain pours through the mountainside.  I am One with the mountain.  The fog is just a dimension of armor waiting to dissolve into love.

I wait.. I prepare to deepen my Gnosis..

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Crete <3 We meet again

I left Santorini at 4:45 am.  Me and the lovely Brazilians (A fun group staying at my hotel – Villa Manos..We all took a shuttle together to the harbor.  Our boat was late but we eventually made it on.  Due to rough waters our trip which was supposed to be 6 hours ended up being over 8.  It was my first time on a boat like this.. very interesting.. People sleeping on floors.  I slept the entire time in a very uncomfortable chair.  Anyway I arrived around 2 in Crete and I was wading back and fourth for a few days.

I hopped a taxi to my hotel Mirabella.  I dropped off my things and headed out via bus to the Sacred site of Knossos.  It is a magical place, rich with majestic mystery.  It is a must see for those with hearts to truly see.  I did some energetic work there and anchored new frequencies to bridge and connect into the circuit I have been working.  It was gentile and all went well.  I then hopped around and checked out the city of Iraklion.  I made reservations to rent a car and changed my exit ferry date.  I was off balance and needed sleep.  Staying on land is a good idea for a while.  I had a nice dinner.. cleaned up and headed to bed.

Today is my birthday! Morning came and so did my rental car.  A sweet little Hyundai and it came with my navigation system.  I was off.. I headed down south a bit and ran into several sacred sites.  I toured Olive groves, Temple of Apollo, Gortyna and Festos.  All were beautiful and resonant in their own way.  My favorite of them all was Gortyna..  It is small and the energy here was pristine.  I drove around a bit and then headed to Mires, Kamilari ( a small sweet village)  Then Kalimaki.. A beautiful beach town.  I parked and headed for the water,  It was beautiful.  Time went by and I decided to spend the night there.  I negotiated a room at Alexander Beach Hotel.  I watched the sunset and had a lovely dinner at Giorgos.  The greek family did a bday celebration for me.

Rough night in sleep time but all is well.  Today I woke up and headed out.  I found my way to Kommos ( a magical and loving mountain space.. on the coast)  Heaven on earth.  White cliffs fall upon the blue water.  It is a great place to trek.  There is a small church at the top.  I went in and sang a bit and was welcomed by a powerful and loving Spirit.  I am not clear what kind.. She was just radiant.  I think she was an earth angel of some kind,  She gave me enormous support  and healing.  I was there by myself working with her for at least an hour.  What a gift!!  I am so grateful.. She is a guardian there.. She will be checking on me.

I got back in the car and headed to Matala, an old hippie town. Matala is a seaside village in south Crete, near Phaistos, the second-largest Minoan Palace in Crete.Matala became famous in the Sixties, when hippies came here from all over the world to live in the celebrated caves of Matala, next to the beach.

I drove around, petted ponies and stopped in many monasteries and churches to clear and anchor.  I went to an ancient magical place called Zaros.  It is beyond this world and a force of great power.  I will leave it at that for now.  I ended up finding a place to sleep in Agia Gallini.  Met some lovely people.  I had a fantastic dinner at Mezo.. something where Niko met all of my needs.  No face on my fish please ❤  Yum..I then had a massage and headed back to be on my womb call.  It was a glorious day with some interference and hopefully learning.  Thank you God!

Greece <3 The opening <3

My journey through Greece has been a mixture of many juicy layers.. My heart is imploding and with it there is a deep tender pain.  When I arrived in Athens I noticed a slight shift in my energies.  I truly felt joy and old pain.. sitting together.. They were looking inward at one another and sharing their experiences.  I became aware of many subtle inter dimensional layers that were taking shape within my psyche.  My past here is One of Greece, Atlantis, Sirius.. So the love that pours through me is strong .. I am remembering Love.. It hurts and my heart is grateful and rising in its knowing of what has come to pass to prepare for what is Now.

While in Athens at a temple.. I began to realize I was having a conversation with another part of myself.  Well she was actually communing with her father from another time.  I began to cry out load and say, “I know Father, but why aren’t you here”  My Father and Uncles were very present.  I miss my family and the bonds that we once shared.  The men in my life at that time were devoted to honor and so I was blessed to be part of that love.

I notice myself longing for my partner here.  This partner is from before but it is also bringing into awareness my longing in this now moment.  I have witnessed many couples and for some reason the islands I am connecting with are for lovers.  My heart is literally activating and there is a sharp ache.  My sexual energy is still illuminating my body and is working with my heart to open and accelerate my awakening process.  I am embodying and it is painfully delicious.

Many men are being drawn to me at this time and I know I am working on something inter-dimensionally bringing forward the essence of the Goddess and invoking and embodying the nectar.  They appear everywhere in reverence.  They want only to drink from me, touch my hand, taste my lips.  Their hearts weaken, their softness emerges and the dragon heart begins to awaken.  They yearn for my body, my wisdom and want so much to merge.  It is sexual but it is so much more..

One of the beautiful men I recently connected with (platonically) shared his deep desire to just touch my face, kiss my body and support everything I do.  There have been others on this journey who have expressed this desire.  My heart remembered what it felt like to be adored, honored and I cried so hard.  I am so grateful that the honoring of the Goddess is returning now.  That I am allowing myself to be honored.  It is my birth right.  It is, we are.. evolving.

So my pain is my joy at this moment.  This level of work is intentional and I am loving myself through it.  My world is shifting.  With every ache in my heart my body throbs with shakti and so the two are becoming One.  As I am becoming One.  He is entering my consciousness once again.  The Divine Masculine yearns for the Goddess and she calls him forward to devour him with passion and tenderness.  Together they awaken the sleeping heart, and this merge is the compassionate Lover.  The rainbow serpent ❤

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Mykonos, Greece

Today while sitting at a restaurant eating some Greek cuisine ❤  a cat came by for a visit.  This is very normal here in Greece as there are cats everywhere.. Guardians of this Sacred Land.  He was a black Gato, sickly and his presence made me feel deeply uncomfortable.  He stared at me in pain as he drooled from his mouth.  My human response was, please move.  I felt badly for this kitty but my insides were feeling repulsed and unwell.  

There was a Dutch family sitting near by.  The elder, I assume Grandmother looked at the cat and extended herself and placed her hand upon the cats head and offered him love.  Love that I was not able to offer him.  I don’t know if she had been spared the empathic knowing of how he felt or if she was able to rise above this knowing and touch him with her love.  I witnessed this act and felt grateful.  She was capable of something I was not.  

At the table next to us there was an unruly young boy.  His Mother and Father were present but rather out to lunch..  Which we literally all were.  I had the knowing that this boy was able to do whatever he wanted and his parents had allowed him to be the King.  He was chasing the pigeons and being disruptive to the birds and to us.  I thought “why is he being so disrespectful to his surroundings and why aren’t his parents stopping him”.  I witnessed and wanted to say something but part of me felt it did not concern me.  He was maybe 7 years old and spoke Greek.  In NY, you mind your business around other peoples children.  At least that is what I had chosen to do in this circumstance.

The soft spoken Dutch Grandmother, was my hero.  She yelled Enough.. and as if the child were her own, she put both hands on his shoulders.. gave him a gentile shake and told him NO.. insinuating not to hurt the birds.. The parents just watched and called him back to the table.  She looked at me as if she knew she had spoken for us both and I thanked her giving her a hand gesture.  

She may have been teaching me or showing me another way.  I know it takes a village to raise a child and that we are Guardians of all beings.  Why was I so silent? Was I avoiding altercation? Was it a NY state of mind.. What is my role.. How can I stand up for what I believe in .. So with gratitude, I am reflecting today on finding the voice to speak up for perceived injustice while holding non judgement for the boy and his parents.  I felt small in some way but I know I am not.  That woman was a gift today to the pigeons and to me.  ❤  

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Italia, The Mother & Lover… A journey South.. In the Sacral Chakra

I journeyed into Sicily and my world shifted.  The thick air wrapped itself around me like a wool blanket.  In the midst of the moisture and hot sun my sacral chakra is swirling.. up and down.. round and round.  My body is surging with Goddess delight.  My emotions are high but they are merely a reflection of what I am tapping into as I light the night with my glorious pulsing womb, bridging souls across dimensions..

The Mother watches over me as I tidy her sheep and bear witness to Life.. Given and taken..  Back and fourth.. Windows and doors.. opening.. closing.. New cycles emerge and death becomes us all.  The light, the glorious sunlight reminds me of the joy, I choose now.  I anchor my way through time and space connecting in like a spindle of thread I spit outwardly and all connections merge in space. 

I let go of the past and acknowledge its influence as I feel the moan inside.  The fear released.. The soul has accepted a new truth and so I close and open once again.  Like a wild flower reaching for the sun.  I photosynthesis once again.. Ahhhh

Through waters crossed I make way to Calabria.. I anchor, seek and prepare the way for what is to Be.  A new Way… An expression felt through those who feel.  The waters bring us closer to her feminine immersion, drenching us with her vast blue liquid light. 

Mountains whisper and warmth surrounds my being..  As the sun hits the sea, the rocks illuminate and send rainbows through out my cells.  The caves, flowers and Salty Sea are but a simple grace extended by Our Mother Gaia.  Grazie Mille Mother…

 

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The Inner Labyrinth

Yesterday I embarked on a Journey to Nebius in Southern France.  It is an enchanted forest rich with mystery, natural labyrinths, fairy den, inter dimensional spaces into lapsed time.  Last year I was initiated by the Druids and had a magical experience.  This time was a different kind of initiation.  

This was the first time going alone.  I began my journey like any NY spirit hiker ❤  my big black purse over my left arm with all of my oils, candles, rattle, blue veil and in the other hand a shopping bag with water and a towel. Hmmm  (my towel) It felt right and so I listened.  I had a moment before I left where I thought.. I had fear about not finding my way back..  And so goes the story.. 

I set out along the trail communing with the rock people, elementals and taking in fresh scents in the air. The wild emerald moss wrapping around trees was illuminating.  I was traveling in another world.  I had a great deal of emotion present.. it had been building with each step… much was to be revealed.  I was arguing with myself, perception was tainted and I was allowing the storm to arise from within my inner queendom.  Better out than in…. made my way to the harp tree where I sat with what was and had a little chat and cried. This harp tree is very special and was happy to hold space for me in my moment of distress. 

I continued forward and made my way to the labyrinth.. Signs are sketchy..if you are meant to find it you will.  I spent a short time there and felt it was time to head back.  I followed what postings there were on trees and rocks and all was going well.  There came a point when new signs postings were arising which I had not seen on my way in.  Panic began to make its way into my psyche..  I climbed up and down, in and out, back and fourth only to end up at the same places all over again.  The insanity of doing the same thing over and over again began to influence my emotional body and I was moving in and out of fear.  I climbed the same mountain several times..  I was Lost..  The forest was not ready to release me and I was enraged.  

Every time I landed back in the same place I sat and screamed, cried..  My physical body was tired but my mind was ridden with thoughts of anger.  Panic and Fear lead to Anger..  So it is a good thing to remember.  I found myself angry with Spirit.  I could feel my guides watching but I wasn’t sure anyone was helping.  I was hysterical and finding center was not easy.  After crying I would rattle and pray, than scream and find courage, wipe my tears and try again.  This happened for 4 hours. Night would be coming in a few and I was determined to cry and give up or get the f@ck out.  

Fight or flight finally kicked in.  I made my way to the top of the mountain where I heard a tractor below.  I screamed for a while and followed the trail above.  There was a fence made of thick wire and another barrier fence next to it.  I made my way off the trail with great force whipping my way through branches, thorns and wild foliage.  I was on a mission for help.  I climbed over the first barrier and lifted it from the earth and scaled the other fence until there was a small opening underneath.  I still couldn’t gage how far the drop was because of the fence but he sounded close.  I laid down on the floor and pulled my way under the fence.  Held on to some small trees and continued screaming.  The drop was quite high but it was my best option at the time.  I brought in trust and faith and began to contemplate climbing options..I began to wedge my foot down the mountain removing dirt so I could essentially slide down in stead of jumping.  

I found some stored courage ❤  A sturdy little side tree and wrapped my towel around it and slid my way down.  I landed and ran as fast as I could to find the man and the tractor.  He was going faster now.. (of course ugh)  I could hear him but not see him and I got to a big gate…  I busted out a deep cry… And said.. hell no.. And climbed and flipped over the gate and kept running… I almost gave up again.. I stopped out of breath..  and began again.. finally he heard me scream… He stopped the tractor and got out to see me.  I just cried..  He spoke no english.. I am Lost is all I could say.. 

He tried to tell me where to walk and I simply said NO.  I was not letting him out of my sight.  So I walked up and down on someones private land and it was exhausting.  Finally he said, come.  I squeezed myself on the side of his seat and drove for a while.  until he parked the tractor and I pointed to his car and said, ” Nebius  si vous plait”  He agreed.  He began to drive so fast… Inside I was still panicked but fine.  We went to Fa, he muttles something and than gets out.  He comes out with his 3 year old daughter, straps her in and drives me back over the mountain to my car.  I placed my hand over my heart and said Merci.  I got into my car and drove away.  You can’t even make this stuff up… The journey back to truth is so wildly vivid, painful and pleasurable.. relentless indeed

I am still sitting with why this was in my experience.  How grateful I am that it is over.  How beautiful that the Divine Masculine came through to assist me.  How spiritual confusion is a great teacher.  When you have to find your way out of a matrix.. by all means necessary, get out!  I climbed under one fence, over another, slid down the mountain cliff.. all symbolic in many ways..  I kept going even when I wanted to quit.  The fear of staying in the forest alone was worse than the fear of jumping even though I didn’t know the outcome.. I couldn’t bare to travel the same route again.. It was time..  I look forward to seeing and learning more about this day and how I can access the depths of its wisdom and apply it forward in my life. 

Thank you to all my guides and loved ones for witnessing me, honoring my choices and never letting go no matter how much I scream and freak out.  ❤ Thank you 

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Songs of the Heart

Yesterday I gathered with a Sister, Andrea and we played in the park under the guise of the full moon.  We shared deeply and embraced each moment and its beauty.  Birds sang and blessed us with their songs.  The trees held us in sacred wisdom and our souls remembered….Sisterhood. 

We prayed together, buried Coca leaves making wishes and used our voices to unify the field for which we amplified out to the world.  It was a song of memory….when woman knew their wisdom and sang from that place inside.  Neither of us cared what it sounded like but how it made us feel and that created the tone. 

This is the second time I connected with her in this life and each time we echoed song through one another.  Voices needing to be heard, felt and witnessed.  Opening into vulnerability and trusting that each will hold the vibration and space with honor and integrity.  Our wild voices are contagious and I learn more about myself through my experiences with other woman.  Genuine Sisterhood is profound on so many levels.  And has been a missing link for many of us for a long time.  I am grateful that many Sisters from my soul family are gathering again.  I surrender to the healing of our tribes and call forward the deepest love amongst us all. 

Thoughts

So I began to try and reason with sound and song.  When we listen to the body and sing a tone and someone joins in with their frequency there is a shift.  We don’t know whether to hold our tone as is, as the body is expressing it; or do we merge with the sound coming through the other person.  One can say there is a lesson in this 🙂  At first glance this can be a metaphor for maintaining personal power and individuality in We energy. How do we express our fullest expression along side another in their fullest expression. 2 souls, two expressions… How can we hold our authentic voice?

This can be noticed with Oming at yoga, for example.  The first one is generally felt individually, meaning each tone is from that particular soul. In the second Om, voices begin to echo into one another and by the third there is a unified field of We. I is no longer present.  

So my feeling is, surrender to the We, because it will change shape and form over and over again.  It will rejoice in itself and open into new sounds and vibrations.  It is the true song of the heart and the essence of humanity.

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Inanna and the Journey into the Feminine Wound

Inanna called to me from deep within.  Come now, we have a journey to take.  You are ripe now and the blood is fresh.  We will go together for I will be your every breath.  The time to heal the wounded psyche and restore to you the self that has been taken.  Move forward into the depths of the underworld.  This message came through me 2 days ago and I humbly agreed.  The timing is always Divine as I am mourning the loss of myself through space and time which is reflected through the Divine Masculine.  He is me and I am him.  We are One. 

I sat at my alter today and immediately felt Mothers embrace.  It is familiar to me as sometimes I am confused by which mother is holding me at which time.  This embrace feels familiar and I am pleased to be deepening my relationship with Inanna at this time. We journeyed inward into the dark landscape.  I released my powers and tools to Divine Inanna as this journey must be taken through bare bones.  There will be no transmuting, banishing or alchemical remedies.  I must be in her trust, my trust and allow the unfoldemnt of this process.  As I went down my heart began to rage in a storm.  My solar plexus began to bubble and rage revealed herself through my consciousness. 

I began to paint myself with red paint over my arms and then my face was painted in different colors.  My hair was matted, I appeared to be smaller in size, rough with tough skin.  I felt skulls in and around me and there was a blazing fire waiting for me.  I feel water in the distance but here it is just hot and the flames are felt within.  I sat in the embrace of Inanna and allowed my body and pysche to unravel through time.  Ancient are these wounds back through time and forward.  They are my wounds and they are opening again to be witnessed and healed. 

I saw and experienced the screams from my gut.  It felt a bear inside me as the roar was like an alarm sounding to the world.  It cut through me and vibrated my core.  My heart pulsed and ached through memory.  The knowing that so much of me has been taken, my soul has been bought and sold, chipped, stained, broken… bleeding.. I am raging.. It was silenced for a while but no longer.  My anger and violent feelings are stored deeply and must be seen, heard and purified. 

There is an awareness that I have been captured and used.  That my body, and soul have been purged of innocence.  My children ripped from my grips, lifetimes of slavery, shameful lives of imprisonment, rape, rape and more rape.. Murder, crucifixion and decapitation.  The energy held in my memory is long and dates back to my 3rd incarnation.  WHAT??? 

There is no theme other than the feminine wounding carried through space and time.  My stories, memories and endless inner wars of woman being raped of our souls.  There is no blame as it merely is and the time has arrived to meet it with love and offer it freedom.  So I am blogging this journey because it is time to be wildly vulnerable and because there is nothing more that can be taken from me.  I say me because it is MY journey and I want to offer myself that voice.  It is a journey that we as The entire collective are experiencing in our own way and that many are voicing in our healing as the whole organism is shifting. 

Today the new underworld journey began and my whole body is aware that I will erupt from the inside out.  Through the pain I feel alive and grateful.  The voice within me is rising and the purge will bring new levels of peace, truth and understanding.  But we have just begun.  So I will remain in the throws of the rage and trust that more skeletons will appear, more blood will reveal itself and that I will hold true and stand. 

Thank you Inanna for your tenderness… I will be writing daily.  My feeling is this will be about a 8 day journey..

Love IS!

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Divine Masculine, I honor you

Today is the second Sunday in a row that I have come across tears streaming from men in the street. Last Sunday me and my Sister were walking when a man in the park took a break from riding his bike to sob. We met him with love and held space for him to let out his pain and be witnessed by the Divine Feminine. He spoke of his Beloved and the yearning for a family. He then spoke of his Mother and sisters. This man was grieving and yearning for feminine love. His tears streamed and his eyes were bright like stars.

Tonight I was met in the street by a man who was in need. He too cried as I met his eyes with love. He clenched his fists and told me how angry he was. That he had served 20 years for this country and they treated him like a roach. I listened with hand over heart and let him know that I saw him and his pain. My message to him was undo what they have done to you and stay in your heart. A new way is here.. Choose love!

Poem for our Brother’s – Sit by me

Come now, Come sit by me.  Bring to me all your heartache.  Release yourself from this metal armor and find your way back.  I can not do it for you but I can shine my light.  As you grieve your life, I hold you in love with a silent prayer.  As you clench your fists in rage, shaking your hands I pray for your self control.  The rivers in your eyes reflects generations of men, broken and abused.  I don’t know how to ease your anger or nurse your bloody wounds.  I see the desperation and I ache for you. I love you.

Come sit by me.. I see you