The day began with a whimper, an aching echo of back tension, silenced by the rain and tenderness lying beside me. Nothing, just intense depths and cloudy pictures of sadness in my distant view. I am so present and have no way to intercept this madness lying within my interior. We argue with no words and we feel so intensely but don’t meet through sound. Pain, anger, fear, worry, is reflected through sarcasm and short sentences. I long to understand him. To know him and yet I am frightened of what I feel. The man he is, the man I am. Are they the same? My hour glass is moving and yet I feel today is slow and never ending.
I just want to laugh because I know it is all a joke but then I cry and mislead myself once again. Sensitive beings we all are just wanting to taste one another, to feel more than we do. We speak the same language and yet we do not meet through words. I dream of ways to communicate and fight with myself about the meaning of it all. I bow to this pain and await its voice. She wants to care for him and yet is so thankful he is independent. She wants to be free and yet is so glad he is by her side. She wants to be wild and yet she doesn’t dare show this side for she has smothered the urgency to sing too loudly, stand to strongly. Where has she put the other parts of me. They were all here and now many have been muted. This gentile flow has somehow nursed them to sleep.
Sometimes I wonder who I am at any given moment. Is my face black today, Egyptian, Brazilian or Caucasian? How can I be so much, and make choices on behalf of them all. Who wants to heal, clean floors, live in the forest, move to France, live in Italy, move to the middle east? This multidimensional experience could drive someone into many experiences to satisfy thirst. I pray they all meet in one integrated way and yet I see the light and the color changes. What will become of my life? Where will I live? How will I dance? What medium of service will I choose to entice and express my very nature? With which gift will I tune? The soul doesn’t care.. she wants to lash out into the world in every way. Pick not just one she says but all. I fear I will not choose and that I will be stuck in shit. A resourceful woman who has been colored by life and unable to settle into much. A gypsy..
I have surrendered my life to nothing more than waiting for the right thought, intention or feeling. I wait in the void, praying it all works out, for I am deeply puzzled by what my life has become. A wild masterpiece that is so delicately woven I can’t even recognize its form. I am forever exploring myself through new mysteries and tainted lenses. I pray for peace, and a new way of being that opens the next level as this one is merely a bridge to the next segment in the life of a twisted story of karmic destinations.