Yesterday I embarked on a Journey to Nebius in Southern France. It is an enchanted forest rich with mystery, natural labyrinths, fairy den, inter dimensional spaces into lapsed time. Last year I was initiated by the Druids and had a magical experience. This time was a different kind of initiation.
This was the first time going alone. I began my journey like any NY spirit hiker ❤ my big black purse over my left arm with all of my oils, candles, rattle, blue veil and in the other hand a shopping bag with water and a towel. Hmmm (my towel) It felt right and so I listened. I had a moment before I left where I thought.. I had fear about not finding my way back.. And so goes the story..
I set out along the trail communing with the rock people, elementals and taking in fresh scents in the air. The wild emerald moss wrapping around trees was illuminating. I was traveling in another world. I had a great deal of emotion present.. it had been building with each step… much was to be revealed. I was arguing with myself, perception was tainted and I was allowing the storm to arise from within my inner queendom. Better out than in…. made my way to the harp tree where I sat with what was and had a little chat and cried. This harp tree is very special and was happy to hold space for me in my moment of distress.
I continued forward and made my way to the labyrinth.. Signs are sketchy..if you are meant to find it you will. I spent a short time there and felt it was time to head back. I followed what postings there were on trees and rocks and all was going well. There came a point when new signs postings were arising which I had not seen on my way in. Panic began to make its way into my psyche.. I climbed up and down, in and out, back and fourth only to end up at the same places all over again. The insanity of doing the same thing over and over again began to influence my emotional body and I was moving in and out of fear. I climbed the same mountain several times.. I was Lost.. The forest was not ready to release me and I was enraged.
Every time I landed back in the same place I sat and screamed, cried.. My physical body was tired but my mind was ridden with thoughts of anger. Panic and Fear lead to Anger.. So it is a good thing to remember. I found myself angry with Spirit. I could feel my guides watching but I wasn’t sure anyone was helping. I was hysterical and finding center was not easy. After crying I would rattle and pray, than scream and find courage, wipe my tears and try again. This happened for 4 hours. Night would be coming in a few and I was determined to cry and give up or get the f@ck out.
Fight or flight finally kicked in. I made my way to the top of the mountain where I heard a tractor below. I screamed for a while and followed the trail above. There was a fence made of thick wire and another barrier fence next to it. I made my way off the trail with great force whipping my way through branches, thorns and wild foliage. I was on a mission for help. I climbed over the first barrier and lifted it from the earth and scaled the other fence until there was a small opening underneath. I still couldn’t gage how far the drop was because of the fence but he sounded close. I laid down on the floor and pulled my way under the fence. Held on to some small trees and continued screaming. The drop was quite high but it was my best option at the time. I brought in trust and faith and began to contemplate climbing options..I began to wedge my foot down the mountain removing dirt so I could essentially slide down in stead of jumping.
I found some stored courage ❤ A sturdy little side tree and wrapped my towel around it and slid my way down. I landed and ran as fast as I could to find the man and the tractor. He was going faster now.. (of course ugh) I could hear him but not see him and I got to a big gate… I busted out a deep cry… And said.. hell no.. And climbed and flipped over the gate and kept running… I almost gave up again.. I stopped out of breath.. and began again.. finally he heard me scream… He stopped the tractor and got out to see me. I just cried.. He spoke no english.. I am Lost is all I could say..
He tried to tell me where to walk and I simply said NO. I was not letting him out of my sight. So I walked up and down on someones private land and it was exhausting. Finally he said, come. I squeezed myself on the side of his seat and drove for a while. until he parked the tractor and I pointed to his car and said, ” Nebius si vous plait” He agreed. He began to drive so fast… Inside I was still panicked but fine. We went to Fa, he muttles something and than gets out. He comes out with his 3 year old daughter, straps her in and drives me back over the mountain to my car. I placed my hand over my heart and said Merci. I got into my car and drove away. You can’t even make this stuff up… The journey back to truth is so wildly vivid, painful and pleasurable.. relentless indeed
I am still sitting with why this was in my experience. How grateful I am that it is over. How beautiful that the Divine Masculine came through to assist me. How spiritual confusion is a great teacher. When you have to find your way out of a matrix.. by all means necessary, get out! I climbed under one fence, over another, slid down the mountain cliff.. all symbolic in many ways.. I kept going even when I wanted to quit. The fear of staying in the forest alone was worse than the fear of jumping even though I didn’t know the outcome.. I couldn’t bare to travel the same route again.. It was time.. I look forward to seeing and learning more about this day and how I can access the depths of its wisdom and apply it forward in my life.
Thank you to all my guides and loved ones for witnessing me, honoring my choices and never letting go no matter how much I scream and freak out. ❤ Thank you